Those of you who know me and care know that I’ve been really down lately, and have had really stressed out and negative posts lately. I figured it out last night, as I finally had time to psychologically evaluate my life last night. I’ve been miserable because my life is currently filled with things I hate. No one likes doing things they hate, and I don’t like doing things I don’t feel like I’m good at, which is entirely what my life currently consists of. I hate ( and fear) loneliness, boredom, am scared of not doing 100% as a parent, anxiety,feeling useless and worthless,doing things I hate, such as putting 100% of my time, energy, and effort into a person who cannot yet talk and even say thank you or I love you or tell me I do this or that well,struggling with feeding her,monotany ( which is daily…but needed to make children feel secure), and never getting told thank you or that I’m good at certain things by my other loved one who CAN speak to me, NO friends coming over ( everyone has a life.. I get it… I just wish some folks could have a life that I was more a part of),NO doing things I did pre baby, and getting criticized on everything I DO do, and getting criticized and being made to feel like a bad person for times I HAVE to take a break ( for sanity and happiness). All of this shit has led me to an incredibly dark place I didn’t even know existed, until emptying my head with some poetry that I’m sure would get me into trouble if I shared with you,and made me feel even more depressed and isolated. I like being around lots of people daily, and have struggled to find a job doing incredibly menial  things to get me out of the house, around people, my mind off things, around people I enjoy, that would allow me to feel a little better than totally worthless, but no one will fucking hire me because they view me as worthless and useless also. Awesome! I am depressed and dark and anxious and stressed because I am not susie homemaker, as all of you who know me well know, and am nowhere close to Martha Stewart. I suck at parenting ( or am not as good at it as I would like to be), can’t cook, do a worthless job cleaning ( apparently), and should be hung by my toenails for wanting my life back apparently. Of course no one ( or almost no one) has wanted to be around me. I’ve become a miserable person, and I’m reaching for happiness daily, looking for reasons, and not finding them. I know I can get out of this funk with your help, as I have never forgotten how blessed I am to have the luxury of knowing such awesome people as yourself. I hope I can exit this dark place soon. I’ve thought about going back to beauty school as a measure of 1.accomplishing a career goal that will give me a career at the end of it2. getting me out of the house.3.socializing me 4.making me feel better than worthless ( although I am completely worthless at doing hair in past experience.. perhaps that would change with a better education)5.getting me out of the house, so that I can have at least the time I’m doing something with my life to myself, therefore 6. am able to be a better parent, but it’s not what I’m passionate about, which is why the not so kind folks at Oliver Finley took my entire school tuition and kept it, even though I went there for just one month. Ewwwww.That’s not nice. or ethical.btw. Never raised hell with them as I should have because I liked Erik ? and Kurt? Anyhow, it’d only be a year , even if I’d have to repeat everything because they also lost my records. Thoughts..,..? All I know is that I cannot continue as is. I cannot STAND sitting on my ass in front of a tv all day, NOR is it good developmentally for  my child, or my waistline, and I cannot STAND to be lonely and not spoken to all day ( James works like hell. Up between 9 and 10 AM, and then I don’t see him til 8, pretty much, unless he comes up to smoke or something.This is likely to continue as he has an offer from some folks to do freelance and permanant basis. This would be awesome if he could be more helpful with Astrid, but I feel like a single mother because all the responsibility of parenting ( minus the weekends) is on me. Most women would not bitch about this ,right? This is why I feel like a bad person. K. This is really long, and I didn’t intend to go on for this long( Astrid has been taking a rare 2 hr. long nap it appears), but have, and thank you for reading this. I’d appreciate any imput or ideas and suggestions you might have to get me out of my dark place, and into a lighter one, where i can give more to my daughter, and be a better parent, and better partner, and have more to offer the world. If you are reading this, know you are loved, and keep my heart beating and give me hope daily and probably inspire and fascinate me.